Behind The Laughter

Last class weekend of the semester? Check.

Paper and homeworks finished? Check.

Not paying attention in class? Check.

Thrilled that I’m sitting in class on my birthday? Check.

Yep, turned 29 today. One year until the big 3-0.

Usually, when my birthday hits I take a few minutes to consider my mortality. I mean, this is one more year I’ve been lucky enough to avoid…

• getting struck by lightning
• getting hit by a falling anvil
• drowning in the bath tub
• floating into space by virtue of holding too many helium balloons and thereby suffocating due to a lack of oxygen

Well, no more. No more worrying about death; no more being concerned with departing the land of the living. Time to take a stand.

I have decided to embrace, not fight, the advance of technology in the modern world, and begin the process of personal cyborgization. Yeah dude, its a word, Wikipedia says so (citation needed).

This is by no means an inexpensive venture; in fact, this would put us in significant debt. So how do I reach immortality without entering bankruptcy? One word: ads.

By partnering with the largest ad network on the planet, Google AdSense (copyright 2008, Google, Inc.) I will be able to subsidize the cost of my cybernetic enhancements and, using the parlance of our times, actualize a paradigm shift in the business of immortality.

This process has not yet begun, but rest assured I shall see it through to completion. You’ll know that it worked when I outlive everyone else on this god-forsaken planet.

The following is an artist’s rendition of my projected cyborgified appearance*:

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* - note, I did this myself, therefore it is more of an amateur’s rendition.

Wal-Mart backed off.

Read all about it on WalmartWatch.

Wal-Mart still sucks.

Wal-Mart, the world’s foremost supplier of cheap crap, has finally crossed the line from retailer that displays everything that is wrong with the world into the realm of pure, unadulterated evil.

Here are the facts in the case:

1. Wal-Mart employee is hit by truck
2. Said employee is left brain-damaged and confined to a wheelchair
3. Wal-Mart covers employee’s medical expenses
4. Employee sues trucking company responsible for accident and settles for $1 million
5. Wal-Mart sues employee to recoup said paid medical expenses
6. Wal-Mart wins lawsuit
7. Wal-Mart descends into an unending abyss of moral turpitude

Here’s to you, Wal-Mart. We appreciate you forwarding the cause of human suffering beyond what anyone could have dreamed.

The bigger question is who is really to blame here? The company for suing a defenseless and hurt human being or the legal system for allowing this to occur (and upholding the decision upon appeal)?

This week proves, once again, that you’re damned if you and damned if you don’t.

Over this past weekend (March 15-16), the Federal Reserve forked over $30 billion in tax payer dollars to help J.P. Morgan Chase buyout Bear Stearns, before the latter collapsed into (all-but-certain) bankruptcy.

What was the net-effect of this transaction?

• In the short-term, the dollar’s worldwide devaluation continued, falling to a new low against the Euro: 1 USD = 0.639 EUR
• On Monday morning, J.P. Morgan closed up 10% which roughly equates to an $12 billion increase in their market capitalization

Commenting on the deal, New York Times columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin had this to offer:

But it galls me that on Friday, President Bush asserted that we must go slow in helping the millions of struggling American homeowners. He stated that “we got to be careful and mindful that any time the government intervenes in the market, it must do so with clear purpose and great care.” I live in Michigan and drive every day past the many foreclosures and for-sale signs. It breaks my heart that these people are struggling to keep or sell their houses, and the Fed just awarded this boon.

What choice did the Fed have? I mean, sure, they didn’t have to use our money to bail-out a bunch of greedy bastards who bet other people’s money on investments backed by risky mortgages, right?

What’s the point? We’re all screwed. That’s the point.

Folks, this is not the bottom. We’re not even close. We have a deficit in the trillions and billions in continually mounting debt. Our currency’s value is going to continue in a downward spiral.

Have I mentioned that most analysts predict gas will hit $4/gallon by summer?

Call me crazy (crazy!) but I don’t think that tax rebate check is going to make much of a difference.